It's 2:30 in the morning. I sit in the dark listening to an owl outside. He's not a frequent visitor to our garden, but somehow always seems to be there on my sleepless nights. I find his call strangely comforting as I slowly come down from the panic experienced earlier this evening...
It was a busy day that started with a big presentation that, despite going smoothly during my practice run, completely glitched real-time (I had several video clips inserted, along with some fancy animation). It ended well, but was stressful all the same. After that, it was back-to-back meetings in multiple buildings. Having skipped lunch, I decided to leave the office a little early so that I could get my mile walk in, hoping to release some tension - tomorrow is my viability scan and I'm more than a little nervous.
I made a quick stop to the grocery store and while in line at the cash register, I felt a little strange. Not sick, but just a little "off". I rushed home to change so that I could make it to the lake in my neighborhood for my walk before the sun set. That's when I discovered the blood. A lot of it. With big clots.
Part of me was not surprised - I've been kind of waiting for some sort of bad news/catastrophe. After all, why in the world would the universe give little 'ole me a break? The other part of me was in complete shock - everything had been progressing so well. I had allowed myself to hope again - and I had been clinging tightly to it.
I had some mild cramping, but wasn't in any pain. I wasn't sure what to do. I knew nothing could be done to save the pregnancy at this stage. I've miscarried before, but there was never so much bleeding involved. I had a big cry and then called my doctor to tell him the news and see if he had any special instructions.
To my surprise, the doctor wasn't that alarmed. He asked me a bunch of questions about my level of cramping, the appearance of the clots and the amount of bleeding (which strangely had completely stopped). He confirmed that he was suspicious that I was pregnant with multiples, but said it didn't sound like I was miscarrying. What?! The doctor told me to get into bed and take it very easy until my appointment for the viability scan tomorrow morning.
So here I lay in the darkness, full of worry and fear - and strangely, peace. There is no possible way that I could bleed that much and not miscarry... and yet, somehow I still feel pregnant. I still have hope.